The Things that Hurt the Most
by supernaturalfallenangel
Summary: Sam, Dean and Castiel are on a hunt to figure out why so many random people are committing suicide and they find its a witch who curses peoples family and friends to turn against them. Unfortunately she curses Sam who must now kill the witch while stopping Dean and Cas from trying to kill him, but along the way Sam can't help but take Cas and Deans words to heart.
1. Chapter 1

Sam, Dean and Cas sat in the dingy motel room each trying different methods of research to deal with the latest monster of the week. Sam had his laptop open scouring the internet to look and past records to see if anything like this happened before, Dean was sitting with Cas as both of them went through book after book.

It was nearing 2am and none of them were any closer to any answers, there had been 5 seemingly suicides in a single week by average people living happily. When they interviewed the family members all them recalled saying terrible things to the victim, things they didn't mean or want to say. Sam Dean and Cas believed that's what drove the victims to suicide. They were all thinking this might be a witch thing, it was now that Cas looked up from his book and noticing the weary hunters with eyes drooping and shoulders heavy, he said

'Maybe we should look more tomorrow?'

Sam and Dean both looked grateful

'Yeah your probably right, if it is a witch than we won't find much on it' Sam said half through a yawn.

Sam and Dean started getting ready for bed, it wasn't long before both men lay on their beds fast asleep and Cas sat in one corner of the room on one of the floral chairs. He enjoyed hunting with the Winchesters especially now he had his angel 'mojo' back and could be especially useful, he still considered himself their guardian even if they had saved his life on many occasions. He had finished his book and went to grab another one when there was a loud noisefrom outside, normally he would ignore it but each of the suicide victims had been cursed while sleeping. He quickly woke Sam and Dean up, both of which went straight for the guns they kept under their pillows and were alert instantly. They communicated silently with gestures and moved to the door, stepping outside into the weakly illuminated front of the motel, a small women was standing a couple of meters away

'Hunters, well I knew I might attract some attention but honestly I didn't think anyone would bother, bit below you pay grade isn't it? A couple of suicides? Anyway what the chance you walk away and never come back?'

She looked quite unconcerned at the guns pointed towards her,

'Well?'

Sam stepped forward gun ready not that it would do much use. 'You must be pretty confident considering you coming straight to our door, so answer me this, why kill those people? Why drive them to suicide?'

She almost looked a little taken back at the question, 'I didn't kill them, their families and friends did. I just made it so they could feel my pain at having the ones you love turn on you' she almost spat the last part of her sentence 'My family and friends betrayed, do you know what that feels like?'

'That doesn't mean you have to kill other innocent people, look I have no idea what happened but you need to stop' Sam said trying to calmly talk her down

'Or what? you'll kill me? I'd liked to see you try' and Sam Dean and Cas lunged forward but the witch was ready and muttered a line of Latin and they were all thrown backwards

'You think its that easy? that simple? Time for you to see what it's like then'

she stepped closer to the group on the ground and began muttering more Latin and Dean and Cas both fell unconscious, Sam leapt up knife in hand and the witch threw her hand out towards him knocking him back as she finished her muttering and turned away 'Good luck, your gonna need it' the smile she left was almost as poisonous as the curse.

• • •

Sam brought both Dean and Cas back inside the motel room, carefully monitoring them for any signs of change. From what he could tell they were both breathing fine and had a steady heartbeat. Though, he had no idea if Cas even needed to breath or have a heartbeat. When Dean started to show signs of consciousness Sam instantly ran over tried to wake him up, feeling more than relived.

'Dean, Dean you ok? C'mon buddy talk to me.'

Dean slowly opened his eyes and recognition flared, and then suddenly absolute fury. he punches Sam squarely in the face. Sam steps backwards puzzled by the reaction,

'Woah woah woah, Dean it's me. Sam…?'

he said as he raised his hands to show he had no intention of harming him

Dean seemed to just get angrier with Sam's words

' I know exactly who you are, the monster. You released lucifer, your the selfish bastard that I've had to call brother all these years!' And with that he instantly went to punch Sam again but was still a little hazy from being unconscious and Sam managed to dodge the slow fist and used it to his advantage, he grabbed Deans arms and pinned him down onto the bed.

'Dean this isn't you! The witch she must have done something to you, I need you to snap out of it!'

Dean just spat at him and tried to wiggle free but Sam was bigger and had pinned Dean down tight. When Sam realised that Dean wasn't going to give up he muttered a small apology an hit Dean squarely in the temple with the intention to knock him out and luckily his attempt was successful with Dean falling limp once more on to the bed. Sam was just beginning to come off guard when his heard small noises coming from Cas, he instantly began to panic a little and reached for the enochian handcuffs that they carried in their duffel bag, he used them to secure Cas to the bedpost Sam still had a small amount of hope that whatever happened to Dean didn't affect angels so he tried to wake him up.

'Hey. Cas, are you okay ? '

Castiel came to consciousness in much the same way Dean had and stared at Sam with similar intense anger. Realising he was cuffed he stilled and said in a very dark tone

'Release me demon boy'

Sam winced a little at the words but it was still better then what Dean had said, he tried again this time trying to show that he had no intention to harm him or Dean.

'Cas there was a witch and she did something to you and Dean, this isn't you talking. Remember? I'm Sam Winchester your friend?'

Castiel just stared at him cold fury in his blue eyes and Sam found himself a little intimidated after all he knew exactly what Cas was capable of.

'Yes, Sam Winchester the abomination that walks the earth with a tainted soul. I will smite you into oblivion until no one remembers your name, you are most certainly no friend of mine'

Sam felt sick hearing the words from Cas, he knew that Cas didn't like him when they first met but so much had happened since and he had formed a close friendship with Cas, his words stung so much because it was part of the truth. He was an abomination, he had drank demon blood and tainted his soul. How quickly he had forgotten, he tried to reason it with the good they had done but found it hard to argue with his currently cuffed friend. Quickly assessing the situation next he realised that he had to tie Dean down in case he woke up and tried to attack him again. Getting the rope out of the duffel bag he started the process of tying Dean to one of the squishy flowery chairs in the motel while Castiel just stared at Sam with cold fury making comments that Sam tried to block out

'You are the one who started the whole apocalypse, every death? they are on you. You cause damage and destruction in whatever you touch Sam Winchester, you are tainted ' Sam considered gagging the angel but he couldn't bring himself to do it, instead he just kept telling himself over and over it's not Cas. Dean began to come to and noticed Sam in the room

' Your just as bad as the things we hunt and I'm going to enjoy killing you'

Sam hated every word and he couldn't stop himself from replying even though he knew it was futile

'I've made some mistakes but I spent every minute I could trying to repair them'

Dean almost seemed to laugh at that

'Made some mistakes Sam? You let the devil walk out of his cage, you chose a demon over your brother and wait for it, released the darkness! You didn't just make mistakes Sam, so many died because of you. You sucked the life out of me, I had to watch out for you my whole life when I should have known you would have always become a monster!'

Sam turned away from Dean not being able to look him in the eye, what Dean was saying hurt more than any wounds he'd gotten while hunting and he tried not to let it show, he needed to focus. He had to kill the witch first deal, with this later. He had no idea where to start but he knew he couldn't stay in the room with Dean and Cas and he grabbed his laptop and the duffel bag full of weapons and walked to the door he didn't miss Cas's comment on the way out however

'You are impure Sam and I should have smitted you when I had the chance'

Sam shoulders dropped but he continued to walk out the door and got into the impala.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam decided it was best to sit in the Impala for some thinking space, that way he could keep an eye on Dean and Cas through the motel window but didn't have to listen to their comments. He really had no idea where to start, the witch wasn't a spirit or demon so it didn't follow a pattern or leave a trail and her victims were unpredictable, one thing had stayed the same; she picked people who had perhaps a difficult past with their friends or family but still loved them. Her first victim had been a college student who had run away from his parents because he wanted to study at college but his parents had wanted him to take over their company. He had since made up with them and they even paid for his entry into college.

All the victims resembled this pattern and Sam began to look through the towns old newspapers to see if anything like this came up however it seemed that most family dramas don't make the news and he was still stuck with nothing. He looked into the motel to check that nothing had changed and to his luck both Cas and Dean remained tied up albeit they still looked infuriated. Well he knew he wasn't going to sleep tonight as breaking this curse was priority number one. Perhaps he should talk to the locals, see if they new anything that could help, it was a weak lead and he knew it but it was all he had to go on. Considering it was still 3:40am and not that many locals were going to even be awake he thought he should at least secure Dean and Cas a bit more so they didn't end up coming after him; that was the _last_ thing he needed.

An idea came to him and he quickly looked through the arsenal in the trunk and was pleased as he found what he was searching for. Holding a small vial and the first aid kit we walked back into the motel room to be met with a barrage of comments from both Dean and Castiel

'Dad was right about you, you know Sam? I can't believe I was foolish enough to believe you wouldn't go dark side'

'How could you even believe you were worthy to be in the presence of an angel after your crimes with the demon girl, you belong in the cage with Lucifer for all the suffering you've caused. You will **never** find redemption'

'All their deaths are on you Sam. Mom, Dad, Bobby, Charlie, Kevin, Ellen, Jo, hell even that archangel Gabriel was killed after being in the near presence of you'

'You are a stain to all of humanity how fitting that you were Lucifer's vessel, he at least had some power you are just a small human easily corrupted and built for the sole purpose of housing the devil. Your very existence is an atrocity'

Sam couldn't take it anymore and he just wanted them to stop, 'SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP'

Dean just laughed and Cas began muttering comments like 'abomination, sinful, corrupt' but Sam had grabbed the needle from the first aid kit and began filling it up with the sedative, when he was close to Deans neck, Dean began acting like a wild dog trying to attack Sam in anyway possible in his current tied up form. Sam ignored it and jammed the needle in and Dean lost consciousness for the third time today. Cas knew what was coming and moved as far as he could from Sam acting like his very touch would taint him. Sam wasted no time in pushing the needle in and Cas too now lay unconscious on the floor; his rumpled trench coat nearly coming off. The sedative lasted for 3-4hrs so Sam knew he was gonna have to work fast, he grabbed his gun and loaded it with witch killing bullets and set off.

He looked one last time at the book about witches in the 17th century and something caught his eye, apparently you could summon one if you had been cursed however it took a lot of ingredients that were quite hard to come by and the book stated that the process was very rarely used as it also tended to weaken the one who was doing the summoning. Sam thought it was probably his best shot weakened or not and thought about where to find the ingredients, they had a few things but most of the stuff was pretty rare and he was gonna be hard pressed to find it.

A small shop sat at the corner of the street, a records store by the look of it and Sam was immediately drawn to the symbol in the corner of the window. A hunters store, it seemed that he was having some luck today. It was still to early for the store to be open so Sam broke in with his lock pick and went into the storage room looking for the ingredients. Some small instinct told him there was something behind him and he whirled around only to be faced with a shotgun.

'Who.. who are you and what the hell are you doing?' a man about 30 gruffly spoke

'Ok look man, I'm a hunter, I saw the signs in the window. I have a serious witch problem, I need to fix it now and your store wasn't open so i kinda... borrowed some stuff. I'm really sorry but I promise i'll pay you if you just let me take the stuff and go'

'Hmmmm you're a hunter huh? whats your name?' the man had a look of skepticism across his face but he lowered the shotgun He briefly reminded Sam nostalgically of Bobby.

' Uhhhh I'm Jeff Rogers'

'Your **real** name, you think I'm that stupid?'

he sighed and gave in' It's Sam, Sam Winchester'

the mans eyes widened and he took a step back

'Your _the_ Sam? the vessel to Lucifer? the one who stopped the apocalypse and threw himself into the cage?'

Sam shifted a little with that he knew him and Dean had a little bit of a reputation but he had no idea they knew that.

'The one and only I guess, how many rumours have you heard anyway?' the man now looked very uncomfortable and almost a little star struck the gun was completely forgotten hanging in his right hand.

' Well I doubt all of its true, I've heard lots. You really lose your soul? Are you really friends with an angel? did you really go into the cage with the devil and live to tell the tale? Released a bunch of levi-somethings? killed death? '

' Yes, yes, yes,yes and no it was my brother Dean who killed Death. Ok look I promise I will talk with you another time but right now pressing issue with the witch so...'

'Ohh of course, go ahead you can take it for free its the least the world owes you anyway'

Sam thanked the man and once again began collecting the ingredients for the summoning, before he left the man said after he sorted out the witch problem he should come back and have a beer on him. Sam thanked the man once again but focused on the summoning, after all he had a witch to kill.


	3. Chapter 3

He was getting damn sick of lighting candles thats for sure. The abandoned warehouse he was in is the industrial part of town; somewhere that was big enough to hide any noises that he made but not somewhere that someone might actually visit. He would of much rather done this at night but he was working on a bit of a clock with Dean and Cas bound to wake up soon, with the thought of Dean and Cas and what they had said a wave of sadness hit him. He knew it wasn't really them but it was hard to remember that when Dean had looked exactly like the brother he had always known his anger usually directed at whatever they were fighting now focused on him. Not even when he was demon was he this mad at Sam, back then he'd more just laugh and play with him. It was more wicked and sadistic then the blunt fury he faced now. Castiel was a different story, when Sam first met him he had some of that look in his eye a mixture of distrust and a cold blank stare; but they'd fought together and had been through so much that Cas never looked at Sam like that again. Sam had taught Cas a lot about being human like how to make eggs and how to use a computer and they both had shared that burden of their mistakes and both sought redemption so it had hurt a lot when Cas told him he'd never find it. Part of him agreed and now he looked back on it he wondered why Cas even tolerated his presence after all he must be able to feel the impurity rolling off him.

A sharp pain on his left hand brought Sam back to reality, he had miss aimed when trying to light the candle and had instead burnt his hand. _Focus! deal with the witch first and Dean and Cas later._ He finished off the ritual adding the final touches to the complicated symbols now decorating the warehouse floor and started chanting an old latin scripture he had from the book he found earlier. The normal dramatics ensued with small flames leaping up from the bowl of ingredients and he reached for the knife about to add the final touch. He cleanly sliced through his forearm deep enough to draw blood but not enough to really maim him, _demon blood_ he thought but quickly brushed it off. As the blood dripped across the fire the flames turned blue and Sam began to keel over in pain, whatever the spell was doing to summon the witch it was definitely using him as a source. He was getting weaker and weaker by the second and he could no longer support himself standing up, he grabbed the gun from the waistband of his jeans ready to shoot the bitch when she showed up as his knees buckled and he kneeled on the floor.

" Well this really is another level of stupid, I mean summoning me? not the greatest idea unless you want to tango with death and then you go and use this spell? You look like a strong breeze could knock you over kid and your going to be the one to kill me?"

The woman was the same one from before; young short brown hair and wore a feathered necklace and lots of silver jangly bracelets. She waved her hand once and the gun dropped from Sam's hand and he now was on the floor defenceless with no back up.

"You know it would kinda take the fun out of it if I killed you here and now, I think I'll leave that to your friends. Better yet yourself! tell me have the hallucinations started yet?sorry to disappoint but I really got better places to be soooooo farewell. Points for tying though"

Sam pretended to have another wave of pain and pressed his body to the ground concealing the fact that he was grabbing the gun she had waved away earlier and as she turned around ready to disappear he sat up a fired a shot at her. Even with the absolute pain that spread through his veins he was still a good shot and the bullet found its mark in her chest directly in her heart.

"You know, it really doesn't pay to be cocky" he said through clenched teeth

Shock filled her expression and she tumbled to the floor bleeding out into a large puddle. Sam felt relief but only for a second as the pain was back stronger than before and he felt himself pulled under by darkness.

Sam felt very foggy, he thoughts were all jumbled and he went through the process of sorting them out. _Why had he tied Dean and Cas up? oh the spell. Didn't he summon the witch? what happened? yeah he had shot her through the heart? where am I now then?_

He didn't feel the cool concrete of the warehouse floor like he'd expected it instead it was soft and comfortable and he almost wanted to drift back into unconsciousness but he needed to figure out what was happening.

"Sam?" that was Deans voice he would know it anywhere,

 _Wait Dean hated me wanted, to kill me right?_

Panic began to takeover and he tried bolting upwards reaching for the gun in his waistband but he was in absolutely no condition to do any of the things and instead, tumbled onto carpeted floor also, his gun was missing.

" Easy tiger. I'm not cursed anymore you killed the witch remember?" Deans green eyes were filled with worry and his brow was furrowed in concern

Sam began to actually take in his surroundings, he had been on a couch and this was the motel room from before. Dean was on his knees so that he was eye level with him and Cas stood a few paces back watching him carefully all signs of that cold fury gone.

"Dean? Cas?"

"Hello Sam" Cas said giving him a brief smile

Sam was thoroughly confused "What happened? I was in the warehouse with the witch and then..."

Dean answered "Well after you killed that witch bitch, whatever she did to us wore off and we got free. We were searching for you all day and we finally found you in that warehouse. The witch was dead and you were on the floor passed out looking terrible so Cas brought you back from the brink of death as usual and we returned here and tried to patch you up. you'll have to fill us in on the other details"

"Sam whatever spell was used I can only heal you very slightly, you will probably be very weak for awhile. Do you know what the witch said when she did it?" Cas had now taken a step closer and was speaking calmly

Sam was still taken back with all the knew information _why would Cas want to heal him? didn't he hate him?_

"Well actually the witch didn't even try to kill me," he said sheepishly,

"I used a spell to summon her, it required using me as the source of its power."

Dean looked a little surprised at that "Dammit Sam! what if Cas and I hadn't found you in time and you died?"

 _Wait why does Dean care again? didn't he want sam dead?_ he brushed the thoughts away as best he could of course Dean cared about him they were brothers. _Yeah he has to look after you forever, you're his burden_. He shook his head still trying to clear the thoughts. something was bothering him from earlier though, he still couldn't figure out why Cas healed him.

"Wait I still don't understand you said you found me at the warehouse passed out. Why did Cas heal me?"

Cas looked almost offended at that "Sam why wouldn't I try to heal you? You are my friend and I will always help you"

 _Friend,_ that rung a bell and a memory came back. Castiel in handcuffs telling him that he would smite him into oblivion and he was certainly no friend of Sams. Sam subconsciously backed away from Cas a little, and both Dean and Cas traded worried looks

Dean was first to speak "Sam are you okay?"

Sam knew the answer to this one; _fine_ whenever they asked each other that they both said they were fine. "I'm fine, I just... Didn't you want to smite me Cas? and Dean wanted to kill me" Sam hadn't noticed but he had moved so that he was now pressed into the back of the couch putting distance between himself and Dean and Cas.

Dean almost looked to shocked to speak for a second but Cas instantly replied "Sam, I will never try to harm you. I didn't mean a single word of what I said, that was all the witches spell. I value your friendship highly and I would never think of you as an..." Castiel trailed off not wanting to repeat the words he said earlier with so much malice

Sam finished for him "abomination" Cas winced a little.

Dean had gotten his voice back it seemed ,"Sam, we didn't mean any of it. that wasn't us and I'm so sorry for what I said. We good?"

Sam nodded "Of course, just the spell. sorry"

"You should get some rest, I may have removed some of the effects of that summoning ritual but you'll still be fatigued for a while" Cas replied

"Yeah Sure. Hey Cas?" Sam looked towards the angel from his spot by the couch

"Yes Sam?" Cas had tilted his head curiously

"Thanks for healing me"

"Sam you never have to thank me for that, now get some sleep"

Sam made his way back onto the couch and Dean had began to help him out anyway possible, bringing blankets and water but before Sam drifted off to sleep he couldn't help but think that he really hadn't deserved to be healed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys!**

 **So here is the 4th chapter of the story, I do enjoy writing and I love any comments you have to make on it so please let me know your thoughts.**

 **Hope you enjoy :)**

 _Sam was freezing and in massive amounts of pain. It was like being back in the cage expect his tormentors wore friendly faces, green and blue eyes mocked him as they cut deeper into his skin._

 _'Sam, you really think I wanted to fix everyone of your mess's? It's always me who has to pick up the pieces when you screw up!'_

 _'You think yourself worthy to be in the presence of an angel? You are like a virus, you corrupt and destroy and pretend to do it all for the greater good'_

 _With every comment they would cut a deep line through his chest and black blood would pour out. Dean would more yell at him and Castiel would say everything just quiet enough that Sam could still hear him._

 _Every time Sam tried to scream or talk he found himself choking on blood and Dean and Cas would just laugh..._

'Sam! C'mon it's just a nightmare you gotta snap out of it'

He peeled his eyes open slowly and saw Dean bent over him and Cas on right. He scrambled backwards to get away from them, he couldn't take any more pain

'Please! Stop, I'm sorry I'm so sorry...' he trailed off and moved so he was against the headboard of his bed and his legs were close to his face.

'Sam it's me Dean. I'm not going to hurt you' he moved forward but stopped when he saw Sam flinch.

'Dean? Cas?' What Dean said before came back to him, a _nightmare_ of course thats what it was Dean and Cas would never hurt him and what they said before was when they were under some weird witch spell. Part of him relaxed and he slowly lowered his legs and looked up to meet Deans eyes which were of course filled with nothing but concern, Cas looked worried as well standing awkwardly by the bed looking like he wanted to help but didn't know how to. Large amounts of guilt washed over him as he realised that he must have woken Dean up and certainly scared Cas.

'I'm sorry I woke you up Dean and probably freaked you out a bit Cas. It was just a nightmare I'm fine'

Dean did not look so sure, infact he'd seen Sam wake up from plenty of nightmares but he'd never reacted like that; being so scared of him and Cas and apologising over and over. He was about to push further when Cas spoke up

'Sam, your wellbeing is our priority. You don't have to apologise for waking Dean up or bothering me, we'd both rather make sure your ok. _Are_ you ok Sam?'

 _No he could still feel the places that had been cut open and he was sure that if he cut himself now black blood would pool out_

'I'm ok Cas, really it was just a nightmare.' he still refused to meet Castiel's eye, but at least he was no longer scared of him. Dean was now on top of the bed, providing physical comfort like he had when he'd gone insane with Lucifer except this time it wasn't helping nearly as much.

'You should rest Sam, I could put you to sleep if you'd like? it would be nightmare free' Cas offered raising two fingers.

'No its ok, really' he emphasised. Dean didn't like his answer but understood, it felt weird being put to sleep that instantly and almost a little violating. Sam however would've actually enjoyed being put to sleep knowing that the nightmare would be dispersed but some small part of him stuck from the dream and the thought of Cas turning his lights out made him a little queasy.

'ok then, goodnight Sammy' Sam smiled at that, Dean always the big brother. _Yeah he's stuck with you, having to fix your every mistake._ He just ignored the thought and turned onto his side and pulled the cover up, Cas walked over to turn off the light.

'Goodnight Dean.'

'Night Sam.'

...

The next couple of days went by without much action, somebody being killed by a hacksaw really just turned out to be a work accident and they actually were enjoying being on the road for a little bit. The only thing that changed was Sam's behaviour, he would refuse to look Cas or Dean in the the eye and gone were any jokes he made at their expense, he slouched when he walked, he made excuses to be alone and he even avoided mirrors, Sam seemed... ashamed of himself. Dean of course noticed all of this and was trying to figure out why Sam was acting strangely when Cas got into the impala. Sam was interviewing witnesses in what might be a case and Castiel and Dean where searching the sight of a car crash for any supernatural signs

'I highly doubt there's anything wrong here, I couldn't sense any signs of a poltergeist and there were no traces of sulphur.'

'Well lets go back and see if Sam pulled up anything, I'm dying for a burger anyway I haven't eaten since 10' Dean turned on the engine and did a U-turn to head back towards town. Halfway back there Dean's thoughts again turned towards Sam

'Hey Cas have you noticed anything weird with Sam?'

Castiel had now turned to face to Dean eyes squinting just a little,

'Yes but it is not uncommon for either of you to seem a little burdened, after all you two have lived ... intense lives.'

'Yeah but i dunno this seems different. Like take now for example he volunteered to go interview the witnesses jumping at the chance to be alone.'

'Dean perhaps he needs a little space from you and I. We did say things that Sam would've taken to heart.'

'You think this is about that spell? you know, your probably your right. Maybe Sam just needs a little solitude'

...

Sam himself knew something was wrong, it wasn't just nightmares anymore. Sam was finding it hard to concentrate on anything because of the thoughts that kept flitting across his mind,

 _Kevin's death was on you. How much have Castiel and Dean sacrificed for you? Dean literally went to hell and Castiel took away your memories from the cage causing him to go insane and what have you ever done in return than make a mess of things._

Sam had theses thoughts already but he had mostly learned to accept them and knew they weren't the truth. Now however it was increasingly hard to keep his mind of them and images of everything he'd done wrong would surface, it was like someone had brought all his most negative thoughts and made them the centre spotlight in his mind.

'Thank you very much Mr. Welch, I'm sorry for all that you've been through' Sam smiled at the witness he had just questioned and left the small shabby house. He really hadn't been listening to much and it didn't seemed Mr. Welch wouldn't reveal very much, after all he'd pretty much blacked out at the time his wife was taken probably due to a concussion from the car crash.

He walked back to the motel they were staying in and washed his face in the small sink; He needed a refresher and the water helped the tiniest bit. When he stood back up he was faced with himself in the mirror, lately he tried to avoid seeing himself as it would just make his thoughts worse and now when he saw his reflection it was hard to keep them at bay.

 _Freak_

 _Monster_

 _Abomination_

 _unclean_

They grew louder and louder in Sam's head and he all he wanted was for them to go away, he couldn't look at himself anymore and he swung his first straight into the centre of the mirror shattering it completely. Sweet silence was in his head now, pain has always brought him back to reality and looking at his bleeding hand he realised that was what helped him this time as well. The silence actually let him think straight for the first time in a while and he began to wonder what was affecting him like this, a revelation hit him, he had killed the witch but had he killed the spell? maybe the part of it that caused Cas and Dean to go crazy but what if there was more to it than that? he looked down at the floor around him covered in mirror shards and small droplets of blood and bent down to clean it up, how was he gonna explain this?


	5. Chapter 5

**:) Don't forget to review it means so much to me! I actually was going to drop it but a reviewer saved it ;)**

Dean and Castiel pulled into the car spot out the front of the motel and went inside. Both instantly noticed the blood on the carpet and Sam sitting on the bed wrapping a bandage around his hand.

'Sam? what the hell happened? why are you bleeding?' Dean walked over looking for any other signs of injuries and Cas looked for any type of threat leashing his angel blade form his coat.

'Dean its fine, seriously its a couple of scratches'

he finished tying the bandage and placed his hand down

'Tell me what happened. Why is the mirror smashed?' Deans gaze was on the area above the sink were the mirror used to be.

'I uh, punched it.' this definitely got both Dean and Cas's attention. Castiel noticed the way the young Winchester had the same haunted look when he had Lucifer in his head and very quickly pieced together what happened,

'Sam, that spell, it's not completely gone is it?'

Sam stared deeper into his lap and answered softly 'No, its not'

Dean was confused and angry, what was Sam not telling him? hadn't they had enough secrets?

'Somebody better start talking now.'

Castiel thought it best that he explain what happened as Sam still wouldn't look either of them in the eye.

"The spell the witch cast was doing more than just making you and I furious at Sam, it was also messing with his thoughts and I believe that even though the witch is dead that part of the spell remains. The mirror was smashed due to Sams…. frustrations I'm guessing?"

Sam nodded confirming everything Castiel had just said

Dean shock filled expression looked at Sam who was now fiddling with a thread from his jacket.

'Sam why didn't you tell us any of this?'

'I didn't know, I kinda thought it was just me but then it was getting hard to focus and I ended up smashing the mirror. The pain gave me a bit of silence to work it out'

'Well whatever it is we'll figure it out, but no more smashing mirrors okay? i think you just cost us seven years of bad luck.'

Sam genuinely smiled, he felt a little better telling Dean and Cas. Dean was right they would figure this out.

'Sam I'll heal that'

Sam's head snapped up and looked Castiel in the eye for the first time in awhile. His expression was soft and definitely didn't have any signs of malice in them, but as Cas walked towards him all he could think about was the Castiel in his dreams who cut him mercilessly and healed him just to do it again. In that moment he was sure Cas was about to smite him. He got up and walked near the door.

'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't ...'

Dean and Cas stood there shocked,

'Sam. I only mean to heal your hand, I am not going to hurt you.' Castiel was definitely worried now, he had seen the fear Sam had of him like he was sure he was going to kill him. Whatever was happening to Sam it was using what Castiel had said before when he'd been under the curse about smiting him.

Dean cautiously moved closer

'Sam its us, your safe'

Sam looked up at Dean, finding comfort in seeing his brother. His thoughts quieted and he realised Dean was right, he was safe, all Cas did was offer to heal his hand.

'I'm sorry. I don't know what happened I just kinda freaked out'

Dean nodded 'Its fine it's not your fault.' Although Sam instantly knew Dean did not think any of this was _fine_

'My biggest question is how do we fix it? a spell that lives on even after the witch is dead? what the hell are we meant to do against that?'

It was a question no-one had and the answer to and the silence that followed felt heavier.

Dean and Cas kept an especially close eye on Sam, and Sam eventually reached breaking point when Dean; who was watching Sam very intently from the corner of his eye, accidentally dropped the gun he was cleaning.

'Dude seriously enough with the mother-henning. You can't even clean a gun your so focused on watching me, that goes for you too Cas. '

Dean might've been caught but he was quick to defend himself

'Ok guilty, but Sam you've been barely talking.'

' Your unsteady on your feet and you acting freaked out around _us_. Sorry if I'm a bit worried!'

Sam knew Dean had a point but that didn't mean he needed to be monitored 24/7

'I get that I do, but you gotta let me have some space.'

Dean caved and eventually grumbled out a 'fine' but in truth he was just going to be more careful that Sam didn't notice him watching.

Sam was just trying to focus on important thoughts instead of the ones that filled him with dread and guilt. He had actually convinced Cas and Dean to pick up a case on the condition that they would also focus just as hard to come up with a way to break the curse. Unfortunately for him it was a werewolf case and all he could think about how he'd been forced to kill Madison; a girl who didn't even know she was a werewolf and how _he'd_ pulled the trigger. Of course they know knew that it was possible to live a normal life as a werewolf, who knows maybe she could've lived with Garth and his makeshift family or found another friendly pack. One thing is for sure, she didn't have to die. Add her to the list of people who should be alive had they not come into contact with one Sam Winchester.

 _Madison_

 _Jessica_

 _Mary_

 _Kevin_

 _Charlie_

 _Bobby_

 _Ellen_

 _Jo_

so many more came to mind but he pushed them away, mostly he'd made peace with their deaths. He mourned them and never forgot the sacrifices they had made but he had learned to move on. That is until now where the guilt felt like it could eat him alive, things he should of known or prevented and now those he loved are dead because of it.


End file.
